What would it look like to be motivated by #love ? ❤️🔥
In the summer of 2021, prior to my big move to Toronto, I had a reversal weight loss surgery; meaning, I had an implant that kept me thin, malnourished and masked for 13 years. I had it removed because it almost killed me. In the year prior to my removal, I was choking on my stomach acid multiple times in a night to the point where I couldn’t breathe & we almost had to call an ambulance a few times.
Thin wasn’t worth dying for, I told myself.
Then I made a few huge decisions and had to learn how to know my body COMPLETELY for the first time ever. I didn’t have this type of awareness, knowledge & tools prior to my surgery. I didn’t have any fat role models, stores to shop in with clothing that fit my big body & helped me feel flirty. I was the fattest woman in my family! You have no idea how embarrassed to exist in my body that I felt prior to my surgery. “You have such a pretty face, if only…” #caralinda
👑I was chatting with a client the other day and they asked me why it was SO HARD to work out? I was stumped. It’s a question I have been pondering myself for the better part of a year. Was it an act of rebellion? Maybe. Have I been using my body as an armour & weaponizing it’s existence not just with fit, but with food and feelings? Yeah. Do I think a lot of gym culture to be gross & misinformed therefore I didn’t want to align with that vibe? Definitely. But, has it mostly been because SO MUCH of what we do is motivated by GUILT that I’m so fucking tired of feeling bad about myself, because all I did was constantly think that I need to feel like I need to change, so I do all the things that keep me from it? 10000000%. Doing life motivated by guilt, is so much of what we have been programmed to feel.
🌱 So I did the thing they tell you not to do - I did nothing. Well, I didn’t do nothing exactly. Instead, I listened. I learned. I leaned in. I grew into Her. I stopped moving how I thought I should, I stopped eating how I thought I should. I stopped listening to everyone else like they say I should. I just fucking stopped.🛑 It’s been the most revealing & healing thing I’ve ever done in my life. And, I got fat (again), I moved my life (again), I transitioned relationships (again), I lost a bunch of money, I cried, I howled, I got soooo angry!!! So, so angry… but, I kept listening.
❤️WHO IS THIS GODDESS, ACTUALLY?
You know, I feel Her better now. She feels less like a far away manifestation I was hoping for and more like a part of me that is unraveling herself from the should, could and need to be. By doing nothing, I have learned everything. I have learned more about my body, how to feed her, nourish her and help her think. I have learned that I am neurodivergent and allowing myself to relearn what that part of me actually means has impacted every aspect of my life, from my relationship with food, my body, my work, my health and especially in relationship with others. No doctor, I don’t have a binge-eating disorder, I was just never allowed to know myself and, I can choose to stop feeling guilty for everything that I actually am or that you need to think I am. I can choose to love myself, trust myself, have fun with myself, feed myself and admire myself, in this body, with this brain, exactly how I am, right now.
WHAT IF YOU WERE MOTIVATED BY LOVE & NOT BY GUILT?
What would that look like?
For so long I thought I was celiac and also couldn’t eat meat, only to find out that I actually have developed what’s called a ‘histamine intolerance’, validated by a super lovely clinical nutritionist & a few studies, that can be directly linked to neurodivergence in women. Yes, I do have a super high sex drive, but a lot of my intimate relationships were motivated by being a people pleaser and performer, (my goddess did I love losing myself in a ‘bad boy’ storyline), rather than radical self-acceptance, self-worth and love. Yes, I am angry, but it is now sacred rage with a big, beautiful & booming voice that I redirect into causes that matter to me and advocacy for my community and clients. Yes, I am fucking brilliant with good ideas, great intentions and I am allowed to slow down, rest and allow my business to develop over days, not minutes. Yes, I am allowed to CONNECT with others, with a community and most definitely with myself, because I can FINALLY TRUST MYSELF for what I want, what I need, how I feel and can have hard conversations with boundaries that are honoured if not by others, then most definitely by me. And yes, I can fall in love, be loved and feel so in-love looking, feeling, sounding and being all of these things that I am right now - and, in fact, I have.
So, what if we were motivated by love and not by guilt? What would your life, your body, your mindset, your heartspace & your relationship with yourself and others look like? I guess we’re about to find out.
Thanks for being here :)